My Divorce Story
These are my credentials, in a way, for writing this website. It's also to give you one example of how your kids may feel both before and during the divorce, keeping in mind that each person's experience is unique. This is just the basics of what happened in my life, although I tried to include as many details that I think other kids experience as I reasonably could (which is why it's somewhat long). I won't be sharing everything because not all of it is my story to tell, but I can safely say that it's no longer painful to talk about and I'm happy to share what I can.
My Story
I had just come home from the last day of school in my 10th grade. I checked the answering machine for new messages and I found what I had least expected - a message from my mother's divorce lawyer. Even though all the warning signs had been there, I was still surprised. Things were bad between my parents, and my mom had already threatened to divorce my dad once that year. They started going out on dates again afterwards, though, and I thought they were past all that. Before things turned sour, I thought my family was completely normal. One of my friends had even commented that my family was perfect. It turns out, not so much.
The year before the divorce, in what I'm told is a pretty common phenomenon, I'd actually become something of a therapist to both of my parents. My goal wasn't so much to keep them together as it was to feel some control in this uncontrollable situation. During our car rides to school my dad would tell me everything that had really been going on behind the scenes all my life, and once I was caught up on that he started talking about what was currently going on. I tried to act impartial and understand, to just listen to what he was saying and what he said really blew my mind because I'd had no idea this sort of thing had been going on. I remember I actually skipped my first two classes one morning in high school just so I could keep talking to my dad. In some ways, I'm grateful for this, because I think it was easier to learn about things this way than all at once when the divorce came out, the way my poor sister did. It's also easier not to judge your parents when you're hearing about events directly from their own mouths. That said, it was still extremely difficult for me and I'm not sure if I'd recommend telling your kids in as much detail as my dad told me.
With mom, I was a therapist in a different sense. She was depressed at the time, so I was the person that tried to pull her out of the depression. I turned into a bit of a clown around her, just to make her smile. I also used to say nice things about myself all the time because it made her happy to hear them. The unexpected side-effect of doing this was that after a time I actually began to believe the things I was saying. It worked out really well, so at least I wasn't worrying about low self-esteem while all of this was happening. As a result, despite still acting in the 'therapist' role, I remember those times with my mom as being relatively happy.
I remember one night one of my parents blew up the worst they ever had, and was going to leave our home. They were so angry, and since they had somewhere else to go, I wasn't sure if they were coming back. I begged them to take me, too. It wasn't that I didn't love my other parent; I did and still do very much. I was simply afraid of being abandoned, so when push came to shove, I would always choose the parent I was most afraid would leave me, knowing the other would always be close behind to catch me when I fell. (Illustrating right there exactly why courts don't let children choose which parent to live with - we don't always make the choice that's best for us.)
My parents officially divorced that September, although we waited to move until two weeks later. It was an abrupt transition - one day I was living among the piles of boxes at my house, and the next I was sleeping on a mattress on the ground in a foreign house, going to a completely different bus stop in a different neighborhood. It was pretty chaotic, and words I'd never heard before, like emotionally abusive, started being used for the first time. My 17th birthday was only a matter of months after the divorce, and it was a nightmare. Both of my parents were there, along with most of the family on my mom's side. Everyone tried to pretend that everything was normal, but it wasn't. Some of my relatives wouldn't even come, just because my dad was there. The tension was almost unbearable. I've kept events like that separate ever since.
That whole first year after the divorce was really stressful for me, although I settled into a routine after about six months. I couldn't stand conflict in any form, not even during classroom debates or watching TV shows I'd previously enjoyed, like NCIS. I ignored my own stress, and used the poor coping technique of taking on other people's problems to avoid dealing with my own (a bad idea, as I eventually learned). I was juggling both my problems and my family's problems, along with a heavy load of advanced school work. I almost broke under the pressure. The fact that I didn't talk to anyone about the divorce at first, worried that it would reflect poorly on my parents, probably didn't help my stress levels. I'm grateful that I at least used the positive coping mechanism of keeping a journal about my experience, which I think really helped me manage stress. My journal kept me sane.
In that first year I ran into a lot of changes, both good and bad, that I had never encountered before. My parents both started dating soon after the divorce, a change that I found quite strange and even stressful. My mom made an effort to spend more time with my sister and me and started cooking family dinners, which was one of the rare positive changes after the divorce. However, I had trouble finding time that my dad could spend with me at first, even though he only lived three miles away. I fought to maintain a relationship with him, but what little time we spent together was often tense.
It was only in second year after the divorce that I started talking about the impact of the divorce on me, and I've just recently stopped censoring what I tell my friends. Even private people like me need a support system, though, and since you can't grow one overnight, I ended up seeing a therapist. I can honestly say that it helped a lot and I wish I had made the decision to see one earlier.
That said, divorce has still had a ripple effect on my family, even though it's been several years now and I don't live at home anymore. After the divorce and getting their feet back under them, my parents decided to start threatening one another with lawsuits. I can safely say thus far that there have been no actual lawsuits, but each threat rips my family further apart (if that's possible) and each threat hurts my sister and I, even though - supposedly - they are for our benefit. Either the divorce made me grow up, or my parents' maturity decreased post-divorce, because all of a sudden the things they did seemed child-like. The emphasis on keeping things "fair" between them and "helping" us kids led to fights and pain. I feel like a parent myself - if I turn away for a second, when I turn back around they're getting up to trouble. I'd say it was over, but every time I say that they manage to surprise me, and I don't want any more surprises.
The other growing pains that we've experienced post-divorce have been in the parental dating department. My mom has been in a long-term relationship for a while now. Their relationship is one of the most functional relationships I've ever seen, and it's great to watch. In fact, they got married over the summer. The problem lies in my stepdad and little sister's relationship. I wouldn't pin the blame on either party in particular, but rather, on our situation. We didn't go through the preparation for stepfamilies as described in my Advice for Stepparents page, and there's been a lot of friction simply because of the adjustment period from having a new family dynamic, along with some friction from different parenting styles. It caused a lot of stress at home, for both my sister, my mom, and my stepdad. Things are improving now, thanks to increased efforts on the parts of my sister and stepdad, but they still have a ways to go.
I wish I could say that everything's perfect now in the aftermath of divorce - that my parents get along great and my sister and I see both of them regularly. But that's not the point of this. Life after a divorce is messy, and nothing in life is ever perfect. What I can tell you is that my parents love both my sister and me a great deal, even though they no longer love each other, and my stepdad is growing to love me over time. And I can safely say that with each year that passes we work through more issues, and my family becomes happier and more stable. I love my family, and I get along very well with them. What I have learned from this experience is that things do get better, and there is life after divorce if you can just hang in there. I'm looking forward to the future.
- Creigh
The year before the divorce, in what I'm told is a pretty common phenomenon, I'd actually become something of a therapist to both of my parents. My goal wasn't so much to keep them together as it was to feel some control in this uncontrollable situation. During our car rides to school my dad would tell me everything that had really been going on behind the scenes all my life, and once I was caught up on that he started talking about what was currently going on. I tried to act impartial and understand, to just listen to what he was saying and what he said really blew my mind because I'd had no idea this sort of thing had been going on. I remember I actually skipped my first two classes one morning in high school just so I could keep talking to my dad. In some ways, I'm grateful for this, because I think it was easier to learn about things this way than all at once when the divorce came out, the way my poor sister did. It's also easier not to judge your parents when you're hearing about events directly from their own mouths. That said, it was still extremely difficult for me and I'm not sure if I'd recommend telling your kids in as much detail as my dad told me.
With mom, I was a therapist in a different sense. She was depressed at the time, so I was the person that tried to pull her out of the depression. I turned into a bit of a clown around her, just to make her smile. I also used to say nice things about myself all the time because it made her happy to hear them. The unexpected side-effect of doing this was that after a time I actually began to believe the things I was saying. It worked out really well, so at least I wasn't worrying about low self-esteem while all of this was happening. As a result, despite still acting in the 'therapist' role, I remember those times with my mom as being relatively happy.
I remember one night one of my parents blew up the worst they ever had, and was going to leave our home. They were so angry, and since they had somewhere else to go, I wasn't sure if they were coming back. I begged them to take me, too. It wasn't that I didn't love my other parent; I did and still do very much. I was simply afraid of being abandoned, so when push came to shove, I would always choose the parent I was most afraid would leave me, knowing the other would always be close behind to catch me when I fell. (Illustrating right there exactly why courts don't let children choose which parent to live with - we don't always make the choice that's best for us.)
My parents officially divorced that September, although we waited to move until two weeks later. It was an abrupt transition - one day I was living among the piles of boxes at my house, and the next I was sleeping on a mattress on the ground in a foreign house, going to a completely different bus stop in a different neighborhood. It was pretty chaotic, and words I'd never heard before, like emotionally abusive, started being used for the first time. My 17th birthday was only a matter of months after the divorce, and it was a nightmare. Both of my parents were there, along with most of the family on my mom's side. Everyone tried to pretend that everything was normal, but it wasn't. Some of my relatives wouldn't even come, just because my dad was there. The tension was almost unbearable. I've kept events like that separate ever since.
That whole first year after the divorce was really stressful for me, although I settled into a routine after about six months. I couldn't stand conflict in any form, not even during classroom debates or watching TV shows I'd previously enjoyed, like NCIS. I ignored my own stress, and used the poor coping technique of taking on other people's problems to avoid dealing with my own (a bad idea, as I eventually learned). I was juggling both my problems and my family's problems, along with a heavy load of advanced school work. I almost broke under the pressure. The fact that I didn't talk to anyone about the divorce at first, worried that it would reflect poorly on my parents, probably didn't help my stress levels. I'm grateful that I at least used the positive coping mechanism of keeping a journal about my experience, which I think really helped me manage stress. My journal kept me sane.
In that first year I ran into a lot of changes, both good and bad, that I had never encountered before. My parents both started dating soon after the divorce, a change that I found quite strange and even stressful. My mom made an effort to spend more time with my sister and me and started cooking family dinners, which was one of the rare positive changes after the divorce. However, I had trouble finding time that my dad could spend with me at first, even though he only lived three miles away. I fought to maintain a relationship with him, but what little time we spent together was often tense.
It was only in second year after the divorce that I started talking about the impact of the divorce on me, and I've just recently stopped censoring what I tell my friends. Even private people like me need a support system, though, and since you can't grow one overnight, I ended up seeing a therapist. I can honestly say that it helped a lot and I wish I had made the decision to see one earlier.
That said, divorce has still had a ripple effect on my family, even though it's been several years now and I don't live at home anymore. After the divorce and getting their feet back under them, my parents decided to start threatening one another with lawsuits. I can safely say thus far that there have been no actual lawsuits, but each threat rips my family further apart (if that's possible) and each threat hurts my sister and I, even though - supposedly - they are for our benefit. Either the divorce made me grow up, or my parents' maturity decreased post-divorce, because all of a sudden the things they did seemed child-like. The emphasis on keeping things "fair" between them and "helping" us kids led to fights and pain. I feel like a parent myself - if I turn away for a second, when I turn back around they're getting up to trouble. I'd say it was over, but every time I say that they manage to surprise me, and I don't want any more surprises.
The other growing pains that we've experienced post-divorce have been in the parental dating department. My mom has been in a long-term relationship for a while now. Their relationship is one of the most functional relationships I've ever seen, and it's great to watch. In fact, they got married over the summer. The problem lies in my stepdad and little sister's relationship. I wouldn't pin the blame on either party in particular, but rather, on our situation. We didn't go through the preparation for stepfamilies as described in my Advice for Stepparents page, and there's been a lot of friction simply because of the adjustment period from having a new family dynamic, along with some friction from different parenting styles. It caused a lot of stress at home, for both my sister, my mom, and my stepdad. Things are improving now, thanks to increased efforts on the parts of my sister and stepdad, but they still have a ways to go.
I wish I could say that everything's perfect now in the aftermath of divorce - that my parents get along great and my sister and I see both of them regularly. But that's not the point of this. Life after a divorce is messy, and nothing in life is ever perfect. What I can tell you is that my parents love both my sister and me a great deal, even though they no longer love each other, and my stepdad is growing to love me over time. And I can safely say that with each year that passes we work through more issues, and my family becomes happier and more stable. I love my family, and I get along very well with them. What I have learned from this experience is that things do get better, and there is life after divorce if you can just hang in there. I'm looking forward to the future.
- Creigh