Question and Answer
If your parents are divorced, you probably have a lot of questions about what will happen. These are some common questions that other kids with divorced parents, including myself, wish they'd known the answers to after their parents divorced.
Q: How long does it take to get used to a divorced family?
A: You may or may not ever get used to your parents being divorced, but either way things do get better. It's a lot to adjust to, living with just one parent at a time, possibly moving, and watching your parents eventually start dating again. This is just something you'll deal with at your own pace. A big milestone, though, comes after about six months to a year, when you'll probably be used to your new routine. Once you can settle into a pattern, life gets a lot easier, just because it's more predictable. I've read other sources that say that the toughest period of divorce is the first year or two afterward, and from personal experience I would generally agree with that. Coping with divorce is a process, but you can get through it, and the time will pass before you know it.
Q: I've tried, but I can't seem to forgive my parents for divorcing. Is this normal?
A: Yes, it's completely normal! Forgiveness and acceptance take time, and that varies for each person. This isn't something that can rushed - it will come at its own pace. If you want to speed things up a bit, though, my advice would be to put yourself in your parents' shoes. They're going through a rough time, too, and getting divorced was definitely not something they saw in their futures when they got married. Understanding is the key to forgiveness.
Q: I just want to fix it all and make things go back to the way they were. What can I do?
A: The answer is really hard, because the biggest thing you can do here is admit that there's nothing you can do. I know I keep saying that, but I don't think I can emphasize it enough because the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. You are not responsible for fixing your family. Don't try to be a hero - the only person you can control here is yourself.
Q: I think my parent is depressed. How can I help them?
A: Unfortunately, divorce is a life-changing event, and depression is a possibility for both you and your parents. Taking care of yourself is your most important priority here. Encourage your parent to talk to a counselor, but remember that taking care of your parent is a burden you should never have to bear. If you're still having problems with yourself or your family, you may want to consider talking to someone yourself.
Q: One of my parents lives really far away now. How can I stay in touch?
A: Phone calls are a great choice here, especially if you set up a specific time to talk each week, or even each day. Webcams and instant messaging are also great, with things like Skype, along with email. If your parent is up to it and you're old enough, social networking websites such as Facebook are good options, too. Time in between visits can be tough, but staying in touch can make it more bearable.
Q: When I'm at one parent's house everyone talks badly about my other parent and it makes me really uncomfortable. Any advice?
A: Make sure that the parent or family member knows that you dislike it when they say things like that about your other parent. Tell them that you understand they may be upset with your mom/dad, but they're still your parent and you love them. If that doesn't work, try to change the topic, and if all else fails, find an excuse to leave the room. Hearing negative talk like that can be very hurtful even if you only listen for a little while, so try and avoid it if you can.
Q: My parents don't get along. What can I do if I want them both to come to important events in my life? If I don't want them to come?
A: This depends a lot on your own family and your preferences. Some kids really like having both parents at big events, but others would rather keep them completely separate. The key here is to tell your parents what you would like. Even though they might not love each other anymore, they still love you. Since this is your big event, ask that they respect whatever decision you make. You can't know what will happen until you try. If you like having both parents around, tell them that you would like both of them at your event and ask if they're okay with that. Hopefully, they will be, but chances are that if either of your parents doesn't want to go along with your plan, it probably wouldn't have worked out well with both of them there anyway. If you like things separate, like me, ask if you can hold a different celebration at each house - twice the fun and no worrying about potential disasters! For group events, just ask them to sit apart. See the Holidays page for more ideas.
Q: One of my parents isn't paying child support, and it upsets my other parent. What should I do?
A: This is an all too common dilemma, but the first thing to remember that this is your parents' problem. It's not your responsibility to fix it for them. So if one parent starts venting about how the other isn't paying, you can let them keep talking, but tell them if you get uncomfortable. Try to avoid getting stuck in the middle of this problem. This is between your mom and your dad, not the three of you, and it would probably just make things more complicated (not to mention stressful) to get involved.
Q: Money's tight right now, and my parents are really stressed about it. How can I help?
A: Divorce can be expensive for both parents, so this is a common problem. Unfortunately, all you can do is control your own spending habits by buying on sale, turning off the lights when you're not using them, not running over your cell phone minutes - the simple things. It may not seem like much, but every little bit helps and your parent will probably appreciate your effort. Make the best of things that you can. If things ever get desperate, talk to a trusted adult, such as someone who works at your school, and ask if there are steps you can take to make sure that you're provided for. Under no circumstances should you be going homeless or hungry.
Q: My parent has started dating, and it makes me really uncomfortable. What can I do?
A: Talk to your parent about it. It's understandable if you feel like your life is being intruded on when your parent brings a stranger into the family as their boyfriend/girlfriend, or if they're gone for long hours on dates. However, dating is a step towards recovery for your parents, and you can't expect them to stop dating just because you feel uncomfortable. What you can do is talk to your parents about taking steps to ease the transition. Maybe your dad will agree not to bring his girlfriend over as much, or your mom will agree to spend one night each week with you rather than on a date. Chances are good that they may be willing to negotiate - after all, they care about you, too. Read the Parents Dating page for more.
Q: Will I get a stepfamily?
A: It's a definite possibility. Some teens gain a stepparent, if not the entire stepfamily, quickly after divorce, while others never get one. Personally, it took four years after the divorce for my mother to remarry. If you do get a stepparent, though, communication is essential. A new stepparent may feel like a threat to you and your place in the family, but if you are open with them it can ease the transition. A stepparent isn't necessarily a bad thing, and, believe it or not, they're probably having as much trouble getting used to having a new stepchild as you're having getting used to them. Stepparents don't replace your own parents; they're an addition to your family. So talk to both your stepparent and your parent about how you feel, rather having your parent carry messages between the two of you. Remember how bad it feels when you have to do that for your parents? It sucks for your parents to have to do it for you, too. Request a family meeting, that way everyone gets to hear how the others feel. It may give you a new perspective on your family, and you can't know until you try. If one of your parents has already remarried, try checking out the Stepfamily page for advice on how to deal with this change to life at home.
Q: I haven't talked to anyone about the divorce, but it really hurt me. Who can I talk to?
A: You may want to consider talking to a counselor or a psychologist. Many teens (and adults) are embarrassed to see a counselor, but there is no shame in realizing you need more help and seeing one. I did it myself, and I would do it again. If you're worried about money, remember that many insurance plans cover counseling appointments, so you may get a certain number of visits free or for a lower cost. If you feel too uncomfortable to do this or still feel like you can't afford it, try talking to your school guidance counselor, a teacher you feel comfortable with, or a spiritual leader. They're trained to deal with situations like this and they will be able to help you. Talking to close friends is also a good idea, especially if their own parents are divorced. Read the Coping with Divorce page for more.
A: You may or may not ever get used to your parents being divorced, but either way things do get better. It's a lot to adjust to, living with just one parent at a time, possibly moving, and watching your parents eventually start dating again. This is just something you'll deal with at your own pace. A big milestone, though, comes after about six months to a year, when you'll probably be used to your new routine. Once you can settle into a pattern, life gets a lot easier, just because it's more predictable. I've read other sources that say that the toughest period of divorce is the first year or two afterward, and from personal experience I would generally agree with that. Coping with divorce is a process, but you can get through it, and the time will pass before you know it.
Q: I've tried, but I can't seem to forgive my parents for divorcing. Is this normal?
A: Yes, it's completely normal! Forgiveness and acceptance take time, and that varies for each person. This isn't something that can rushed - it will come at its own pace. If you want to speed things up a bit, though, my advice would be to put yourself in your parents' shoes. They're going through a rough time, too, and getting divorced was definitely not something they saw in their futures when they got married. Understanding is the key to forgiveness.
Q: I just want to fix it all and make things go back to the way they were. What can I do?
A: The answer is really hard, because the biggest thing you can do here is admit that there's nothing you can do. I know I keep saying that, but I don't think I can emphasize it enough because the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. You are not responsible for fixing your family. Don't try to be a hero - the only person you can control here is yourself.
Q: I think my parent is depressed. How can I help them?
A: Unfortunately, divorce is a life-changing event, and depression is a possibility for both you and your parents. Taking care of yourself is your most important priority here. Encourage your parent to talk to a counselor, but remember that taking care of your parent is a burden you should never have to bear. If you're still having problems with yourself or your family, you may want to consider talking to someone yourself.
Q: One of my parents lives really far away now. How can I stay in touch?
A: Phone calls are a great choice here, especially if you set up a specific time to talk each week, or even each day. Webcams and instant messaging are also great, with things like Skype, along with email. If your parent is up to it and you're old enough, social networking websites such as Facebook are good options, too. Time in between visits can be tough, but staying in touch can make it more bearable.
Q: When I'm at one parent's house everyone talks badly about my other parent and it makes me really uncomfortable. Any advice?
A: Make sure that the parent or family member knows that you dislike it when they say things like that about your other parent. Tell them that you understand they may be upset with your mom/dad, but they're still your parent and you love them. If that doesn't work, try to change the topic, and if all else fails, find an excuse to leave the room. Hearing negative talk like that can be very hurtful even if you only listen for a little while, so try and avoid it if you can.
Q: My parents don't get along. What can I do if I want them both to come to important events in my life? If I don't want them to come?
A: This depends a lot on your own family and your preferences. Some kids really like having both parents at big events, but others would rather keep them completely separate. The key here is to tell your parents what you would like. Even though they might not love each other anymore, they still love you. Since this is your big event, ask that they respect whatever decision you make. You can't know what will happen until you try. If you like having both parents around, tell them that you would like both of them at your event and ask if they're okay with that. Hopefully, they will be, but chances are that if either of your parents doesn't want to go along with your plan, it probably wouldn't have worked out well with both of them there anyway. If you like things separate, like me, ask if you can hold a different celebration at each house - twice the fun and no worrying about potential disasters! For group events, just ask them to sit apart. See the Holidays page for more ideas.
Q: One of my parents isn't paying child support, and it upsets my other parent. What should I do?
A: This is an all too common dilemma, but the first thing to remember that this is your parents' problem. It's not your responsibility to fix it for them. So if one parent starts venting about how the other isn't paying, you can let them keep talking, but tell them if you get uncomfortable. Try to avoid getting stuck in the middle of this problem. This is between your mom and your dad, not the three of you, and it would probably just make things more complicated (not to mention stressful) to get involved.
Q: Money's tight right now, and my parents are really stressed about it. How can I help?
A: Divorce can be expensive for both parents, so this is a common problem. Unfortunately, all you can do is control your own spending habits by buying on sale, turning off the lights when you're not using them, not running over your cell phone minutes - the simple things. It may not seem like much, but every little bit helps and your parent will probably appreciate your effort. Make the best of things that you can. If things ever get desperate, talk to a trusted adult, such as someone who works at your school, and ask if there are steps you can take to make sure that you're provided for. Under no circumstances should you be going homeless or hungry.
Q: My parent has started dating, and it makes me really uncomfortable. What can I do?
A: Talk to your parent about it. It's understandable if you feel like your life is being intruded on when your parent brings a stranger into the family as their boyfriend/girlfriend, or if they're gone for long hours on dates. However, dating is a step towards recovery for your parents, and you can't expect them to stop dating just because you feel uncomfortable. What you can do is talk to your parents about taking steps to ease the transition. Maybe your dad will agree not to bring his girlfriend over as much, or your mom will agree to spend one night each week with you rather than on a date. Chances are good that they may be willing to negotiate - after all, they care about you, too. Read the Parents Dating page for more.
Q: Will I get a stepfamily?
A: It's a definite possibility. Some teens gain a stepparent, if not the entire stepfamily, quickly after divorce, while others never get one. Personally, it took four years after the divorce for my mother to remarry. If you do get a stepparent, though, communication is essential. A new stepparent may feel like a threat to you and your place in the family, but if you are open with them it can ease the transition. A stepparent isn't necessarily a bad thing, and, believe it or not, they're probably having as much trouble getting used to having a new stepchild as you're having getting used to them. Stepparents don't replace your own parents; they're an addition to your family. So talk to both your stepparent and your parent about how you feel, rather having your parent carry messages between the two of you. Remember how bad it feels when you have to do that for your parents? It sucks for your parents to have to do it for you, too. Request a family meeting, that way everyone gets to hear how the others feel. It may give you a new perspective on your family, and you can't know until you try. If one of your parents has already remarried, try checking out the Stepfamily page for advice on how to deal with this change to life at home.
Q: I haven't talked to anyone about the divorce, but it really hurt me. Who can I talk to?
A: You may want to consider talking to a counselor or a psychologist. Many teens (and adults) are embarrassed to see a counselor, but there is no shame in realizing you need more help and seeing one. I did it myself, and I would do it again. If you're worried about money, remember that many insurance plans cover counseling appointments, so you may get a certain number of visits free or for a lower cost. If you feel too uncomfortable to do this or still feel like you can't afford it, try talking to your school guidance counselor, a teacher you feel comfortable with, or a spiritual leader. They're trained to deal with situations like this and they will be able to help you. Talking to close friends is also a good idea, especially if their own parents are divorced. Read the Coping with Divorce page for more.