Advice for Stepparents
From what I've seen, being a stepparent is a hard job, and I don't envy you. You have to support your spouse and get to know their kids, all the while being careful not to seem as though you're taking their parents' place. Someone has to do it, though, and I'm glad that someone is you. Having a good stepparent can make a difference in your stepchild's life for the better. That said, getting to the point where you have a good relationship with your teenage stepchild and figuring out how to go about that can be akin to navigating a minefield at times, so here we're going to address some key points of advice for stepparents.
1. All families are different.
This really is important to keep in mind. Both you and your stepchild (and even your spouse) are coming into this relationship with very different experiences. My step-dad had already raised a large family of his own before he came into ours, and let me tell you, our families and our experiences could not be more different. In his family, for example, the parent's word was law, whereas in ours everything is a negotiation. And that's just one of many differences that can be misinterpreted. I didn't know how to deal with his different parenting style (and, at first, didn't even realize it was different). For his part, having already raised six daughters of his own, he thought he understood what daughters were like and the sort of discipline and treatment they responded to, even though my sister and I are pretty much polar opposites of the daughters he'd already raised. The key to take from this is that keeping an open mind is important when coming into this new family. Think of this new family as a blank slate, and try to at least be open to different ways of doing things. Obviously whatever this family has been doing has been working for them so far, so if you can, try to adapt. It'll save a lot of stress and conflict later on.
There's a great exercise for you to do with your spouse on the subject - I'd recommend checking it out. It will help you sort out these new boundaries, and find the differences in your family histories and how to adjust to them. You can read the exercise here. (By the way, the bed example? Definitely something that happened in my own family.)
2. You don't need to be their parent - but if they reach out, it's okay to reach back.
The tricky part, of course, is riding that fine line. Not only do you not need to be your stepchild's parent, but they may not want you to be one either. And, of course, if it seems as though you're taking their parents' place, no matter how much they like you, your stepchild will probably be conflicted. Because of all this, it's recommended to leave the trickier parts of parenting up to your spouse, at least initially. Like it or not, you are the newcomer, and you probably aren't familiar with the way this family does things.
That said, just because you don't have to be their parent doesn't mean you ought to be a stranger. If your stepchild shows signs of wanting to get to know you better, or wanting a closer relationship, reaching out is not only okay, but it's a good thing. My stepdad used to be like a stranger that lived in my home. He'd interact lovingly with my mom, and do handy work around the place, but I could probably count the number of conversations we'd had over the first few years on both hands. That only changed when I gave a speech at their wedding telling him that I wanted a closer relationship with him. It turns out he was so concerned about seeming as though he was trying to take my dad's place that he pulled back altogether. Letting your concerns about replacing your child's biological parent lead you to this place is not good, either. It's all about finding the happy medium that works for your family.
3. Expect some conflict, even in the best of cases.
Why? Because no matter how well you get along, you're coming into an already established family. In fact, I would say that coming into a family like this one is particularly hard. That's because in most cases after divorce the parent with physical custody and their children become closer and more bonded than ever. This sort of bonding is almost a necessity because divorce is so hard on a family that you need each other to make it through. And, whether you're trying to or not, when you step into a family like this you're encroaching on these bonds. They're going to have to rearrange and stretch to accommodate your new presence, and that's no easy process. Because of that, my advice to you is to keep your expectations realistic. Read about strategies to survive and thrive as a stepfamily here.
4. Care.
It's a fact that stepchildren are more often abused and neglected than biological children. That's because stepparents and stepchildren aren't as innately emotionally attached. Many stereotypes have a seed of truth, and from this fact springs the stories of the evil stepmother (or stepfather) that we all grew up hearing. In fact, this problem is known as the Cinderella Effect. Please, don't let this be our family. Care about us, at least a little. The very fact that you're reading this means that you're almost definitely not one of these stepparents, but I felt I owed it to all the friends I have with abusive and cruel stepparents to say this. We're kids. You are in a position of power over us, which is as frightening as anything, and some stepparents abuse that power. With physical and sexual abuse, it's easier to tell if you're a culprit, and I doubt my plea could sway you if that was the case. It's more difficult to tell with neglect and psychological abuse, but they are also devastating, and the latter can actually go both ways. Whether you are the victim or the perpetrator, ending emotional abuse begins with a recognition of the problem. Learn more about emotional abuse and children here and read more about the Cinderella Effect here.
Thank you for caring.
1. All families are different.
This really is important to keep in mind. Both you and your stepchild (and even your spouse) are coming into this relationship with very different experiences. My step-dad had already raised a large family of his own before he came into ours, and let me tell you, our families and our experiences could not be more different. In his family, for example, the parent's word was law, whereas in ours everything is a negotiation. And that's just one of many differences that can be misinterpreted. I didn't know how to deal with his different parenting style (and, at first, didn't even realize it was different). For his part, having already raised six daughters of his own, he thought he understood what daughters were like and the sort of discipline and treatment they responded to, even though my sister and I are pretty much polar opposites of the daughters he'd already raised. The key to take from this is that keeping an open mind is important when coming into this new family. Think of this new family as a blank slate, and try to at least be open to different ways of doing things. Obviously whatever this family has been doing has been working for them so far, so if you can, try to adapt. It'll save a lot of stress and conflict later on.
There's a great exercise for you to do with your spouse on the subject - I'd recommend checking it out. It will help you sort out these new boundaries, and find the differences in your family histories and how to adjust to them. You can read the exercise here. (By the way, the bed example? Definitely something that happened in my own family.)
2. You don't need to be their parent - but if they reach out, it's okay to reach back.
The tricky part, of course, is riding that fine line. Not only do you not need to be your stepchild's parent, but they may not want you to be one either. And, of course, if it seems as though you're taking their parents' place, no matter how much they like you, your stepchild will probably be conflicted. Because of all this, it's recommended to leave the trickier parts of parenting up to your spouse, at least initially. Like it or not, you are the newcomer, and you probably aren't familiar with the way this family does things.
That said, just because you don't have to be their parent doesn't mean you ought to be a stranger. If your stepchild shows signs of wanting to get to know you better, or wanting a closer relationship, reaching out is not only okay, but it's a good thing. My stepdad used to be like a stranger that lived in my home. He'd interact lovingly with my mom, and do handy work around the place, but I could probably count the number of conversations we'd had over the first few years on both hands. That only changed when I gave a speech at their wedding telling him that I wanted a closer relationship with him. It turns out he was so concerned about seeming as though he was trying to take my dad's place that he pulled back altogether. Letting your concerns about replacing your child's biological parent lead you to this place is not good, either. It's all about finding the happy medium that works for your family.
3. Expect some conflict, even in the best of cases.
Why? Because no matter how well you get along, you're coming into an already established family. In fact, I would say that coming into a family like this one is particularly hard. That's because in most cases after divorce the parent with physical custody and their children become closer and more bonded than ever. This sort of bonding is almost a necessity because divorce is so hard on a family that you need each other to make it through. And, whether you're trying to or not, when you step into a family like this you're encroaching on these bonds. They're going to have to rearrange and stretch to accommodate your new presence, and that's no easy process. Because of that, my advice to you is to keep your expectations realistic. Read about strategies to survive and thrive as a stepfamily here.
4. Care.
It's a fact that stepchildren are more often abused and neglected than biological children. That's because stepparents and stepchildren aren't as innately emotionally attached. Many stereotypes have a seed of truth, and from this fact springs the stories of the evil stepmother (or stepfather) that we all grew up hearing. In fact, this problem is known as the Cinderella Effect. Please, don't let this be our family. Care about us, at least a little. The very fact that you're reading this means that you're almost definitely not one of these stepparents, but I felt I owed it to all the friends I have with abusive and cruel stepparents to say this. We're kids. You are in a position of power over us, which is as frightening as anything, and some stepparents abuse that power. With physical and sexual abuse, it's easier to tell if you're a culprit, and I doubt my plea could sway you if that was the case. It's more difficult to tell with neglect and psychological abuse, but they are also devastating, and the latter can actually go both ways. Whether you are the victim or the perpetrator, ending emotional abuse begins with a recognition of the problem. Learn more about emotional abuse and children here and read more about the Cinderella Effect here.
Thank you for caring.