How We're Feeling
Scared. Angry. Hurt. Guilty. Torn. Ashamed. This nasty cocktail of emotions is all too common in teens after their parents divorce. And small wonder! Along with moving, a huge change in of itself, we have to work through fear of abandonment, custody schedules, self-blame and far more problems than I can list.
But those are all things that I'm pretty sure you already know about. What I'm trying to do here, however, is introduce problems unique to the teenage perspective - the ones you may not hear about elsewhere. There are two such questions, themes that come up over and over when I talk to other teens about divorce. "How could they do this to me?" and "Why can't they grow up?" While these may not fit your own situation, they are overwhelmingly common. For those of you who think your teens may agree with one of those statements, read on.
Out of the two, the first question, "How could they do this to me?" is hardest to explain, because from a parent's perspective, it can come across as being egocentric and immature. Granted, in some ways it is, but it's not our fault. As your kids, we don't see your relationship the way that you do. You've stayed together for at least 13 years of our lives - why is it now that you're divorcing? Why can't you wait another few years until we graduate? While this reaction might seem selfish, from our perspective your divorce seems the same. We've grown up hearing about how parents should stay together for the sake of the kids, but somehow our own family didn't. While we may grow to accept the divorce, it may take a while for us to realize that it was not a choice that you inflicted on us, but a necessity and that there was (as there always is) more to the story.
"Why can't they grow up?" is the question that probably best characterizes my experience of divorce. When it comes to divorcing, parents' actions can appear somewhat immature to their kids. Fighting over our custody, throwing lawyers at each other, talking badly about the other parent to us...small wonder we feel this way! I've heard stories about parents keeping their spouse's cookware after the divorce, not because they used it, but because they didn't want their ex to benefit from it. Exes who deny their spouse visitation with their children (which is incredibly important to us), for no reason other than their own anger, are far too common. It's the little things like this that, at least to us teens, begs the question - aren't you supposed to be more mature than us? Because during the divorce it can feel like we're the adults in the family. And far too often, this perception can lead us to step into roles much too big for us. Diplomat, therapist, negotiator, parent - these are just a few of the hats that the teens of divorced parents may wear.
What can you do? Help us stay teenagers. Homework, teen romance and school drama should be our biggest worries, not the latest round of a custody battle. Speaking for most teens in our situation, one of the things we want most is for you to prove us wrong. Show us that this won't be like those nasty divorces we've heard about all of our lives. Pay your child support, talk to each other directly, and don't use us as bargaining chips. This is not a game. There is no "winner" in these fights. Neither one of you win when you damage your relationship with us; we all lose.
In reading this, you're already making an effort to understand your teen. And for that, we all thank you. I know it can be hard, but I really do believe that understanding leads to better communication and ultimately a happier family. Good luck!
But those are all things that I'm pretty sure you already know about. What I'm trying to do here, however, is introduce problems unique to the teenage perspective - the ones you may not hear about elsewhere. There are two such questions, themes that come up over and over when I talk to other teens about divorce. "How could they do this to me?" and "Why can't they grow up?" While these may not fit your own situation, they are overwhelmingly common. For those of you who think your teens may agree with one of those statements, read on.
Out of the two, the first question, "How could they do this to me?" is hardest to explain, because from a parent's perspective, it can come across as being egocentric and immature. Granted, in some ways it is, but it's not our fault. As your kids, we don't see your relationship the way that you do. You've stayed together for at least 13 years of our lives - why is it now that you're divorcing? Why can't you wait another few years until we graduate? While this reaction might seem selfish, from our perspective your divorce seems the same. We've grown up hearing about how parents should stay together for the sake of the kids, but somehow our own family didn't. While we may grow to accept the divorce, it may take a while for us to realize that it was not a choice that you inflicted on us, but a necessity and that there was (as there always is) more to the story.
"Why can't they grow up?" is the question that probably best characterizes my experience of divorce. When it comes to divorcing, parents' actions can appear somewhat immature to their kids. Fighting over our custody, throwing lawyers at each other, talking badly about the other parent to us...small wonder we feel this way! I've heard stories about parents keeping their spouse's cookware after the divorce, not because they used it, but because they didn't want their ex to benefit from it. Exes who deny their spouse visitation with their children (which is incredibly important to us), for no reason other than their own anger, are far too common. It's the little things like this that, at least to us teens, begs the question - aren't you supposed to be more mature than us? Because during the divorce it can feel like we're the adults in the family. And far too often, this perception can lead us to step into roles much too big for us. Diplomat, therapist, negotiator, parent - these are just a few of the hats that the teens of divorced parents may wear.
What can you do? Help us stay teenagers. Homework, teen romance and school drama should be our biggest worries, not the latest round of a custody battle. Speaking for most teens in our situation, one of the things we want most is for you to prove us wrong. Show us that this won't be like those nasty divorces we've heard about all of our lives. Pay your child support, talk to each other directly, and don't use us as bargaining chips. This is not a game. There is no "winner" in these fights. Neither one of you win when you damage your relationship with us; we all lose.
In reading this, you're already making an effort to understand your teen. And for that, we all thank you. I know it can be hard, but I really do believe that understanding leads to better communication and ultimately a happier family. Good luck!