Stepparents: When Parents Remarry
No matter how long your parents have been divorced, it's not easy when one of them decides to get remarried. When I talk to my friends about their stepparents, the common, unfortunate theme is that they hated them. Why? No one seems to have a specific reason - and in fact, once they went off to college many of them ended up liking those same stepparents they'd hated for so many years. Not getting along with your stepparent can make life miserable, so here I'm going to focus on why having a stepparent can be so tough for some of us, and ways to deal with it.
The Problems with Stepparents
Why is it so difficult to deal with your mom or dad remarrying? One of these is generally to blame.
1. Lost Hope
After your mom or dad remarries, they're almost definitely not getting back with your biological parent, and that's hard to admit. You may have hoped that things could go back to "normal" if only your parents could see what great people they are and get back together. Having them remarry is a guarantee that you'll have to get used to this new normal, and that can be hard.
2. Losing Your Parent
After divorce, it's just you and your parent. You get really close and bonded with each other, and then all of a sudden this stranger tries to step into the mix! It can be really easy to feel like the stepparent is taking your parent away from you, and those are emotions my sister and I both went through when my mom started dating. In reality, their remarriage won't change the amount that your parent loves you, although it may mean they spend less time with you. Your mom or dad has someone new to be with and may not have as much time to spend with you now, but love is not the same thing as time.
3. Loyalty
This problem goes both ways. If you like your stepparent, you can feel like you aren't being loyal to your biological parent. Unfortunately, family can sometimes guilt you into feeling this way. There is absolutely nothing wrong in liking your stepparent, and you can love your parent and like your new stepparent at the same time. Don't let anyone make you believe otherwise.
On the other end, let's say you don't like your new stepparent. When they move in, you expect your parent to keep being loyal to you, and take your side over the new person's. By doing this, though, you're actually doing to your parents what they've done to you in the divorce - making them choose sides. This is wrong no matter who's involved. It's a horribly stressful place for your parent to be, and it's not going to end well for you. Your parent should never be made to choose between you and their new spouse.
Fixing the Problems
Here are some tips for getting along better with your stepparent.
1. Speak up...to a point
If something's bothering you, it does you little good to keep it bottled up, so tell your parent/stepparent what's up. Maybe you're not comfortable with your stepfather setting rules, and you'd prefer that your mom make them. Ask for a family meeting and talk about what's bothering you. Then suggest a way to fix it. They might change things, or they might not. But if you never say anything, they won't even know there's a problem to fix.
There's another end of this, though. You've probably heard the "You should be nice to your stepparent" lecture a million times now (which odds are just succeeds in annoying you, instead of convincing you to change). But there's something in it for you, too. If you oppose everything your stepparent does, or push really hard for them to break up, your parent probably isn't going to listen to you when you have a problem with your stepparent. Choose your battles carefully. Your stepparent is there to stay, whether you like it or not - fighting that is a losing battle. Fight the battles you can win, and you'll find a lot more success. My advice, then is the same advice you've already heard: be nice to your stepparent. Even if it's as though your step has jumped straight out of Cinderella into your own life, being nice to them is still a good strategic decision that will help you survive in the long run.
2. Start fresh
Whatever your problems have been with your stepparent, it's never too late to fix things. I think it's safe to say that everyone wants to be happy, and it's hard to do that if you and your stepparent are fighting. If things have been really rough in your house, try talking to your parent/step-parent. You might say, for example, that you don't like the way that things have been and you want to start over. Apologize if you need to. And then start fresh, really and truly. You may well find that your life gets a lot easier after this one conversation.
3. Make sure your expectations are reasonable
Sometimes problems can be caused when your expectations for your stepparent don't match up with the real person. For example, if you expect life with your stepparent to be the same as life before them, you'll be sorely disappointed. Like it or not, there's a new person living in your house - things will change. If you're looking for a second parent, or someone who will not interact with you at all, you might be stretching your luck, too. Yes, some stepparents step into the role of a parent, and yes, some stepparents won't interact with you, but for every stepparent who falls into one category, there's one who falls into the other. This has led to problems within my own family. My sister expected my stepdad to fall into one category, and I expected the other. And now neither of us are pleased, because he's somewhere in between - too distant for me and too involved for my sister. By adjusting your expectations to a reasonable level, you can prevent problems. (By the way, this is a problem with parents, too. Check out the Unrealistic Expectations article for more on that front.)
You can't fix everything
Because I realize that not all problems can be fixed on your end of things, I made a page with advice for stepparents to read, too. I am also well aware that abuse, whether physical, sexual, or verbal in nature, is far too common when dealing with stepparents. If you are a victim of abuse, you don't have to stand for it. There are people out there who do care and are willing to help you, even anonymously. Every day, thousands of children and teens in the United States alone are abused, but you don't have to be one of them. If you're being abused, call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). It's a toll free hotline where you can just talk about what's going on. They're always open, and they won't report you or your situation unless you specifically ask them to help you do so. It's a safe place to turn in a hard time, and is accessible from the United States (or one of its territories) and Canada. If you don't live in those areas and need help finding resources for your area Contact Me and I'd be happy to help you.
The Problems with Stepparents
Why is it so difficult to deal with your mom or dad remarrying? One of these is generally to blame.
1. Lost Hope
After your mom or dad remarries, they're almost definitely not getting back with your biological parent, and that's hard to admit. You may have hoped that things could go back to "normal" if only your parents could see what great people they are and get back together. Having them remarry is a guarantee that you'll have to get used to this new normal, and that can be hard.
2. Losing Your Parent
After divorce, it's just you and your parent. You get really close and bonded with each other, and then all of a sudden this stranger tries to step into the mix! It can be really easy to feel like the stepparent is taking your parent away from you, and those are emotions my sister and I both went through when my mom started dating. In reality, their remarriage won't change the amount that your parent loves you, although it may mean they spend less time with you. Your mom or dad has someone new to be with and may not have as much time to spend with you now, but love is not the same thing as time.
3. Loyalty
This problem goes both ways. If you like your stepparent, you can feel like you aren't being loyal to your biological parent. Unfortunately, family can sometimes guilt you into feeling this way. There is absolutely nothing wrong in liking your stepparent, and you can love your parent and like your new stepparent at the same time. Don't let anyone make you believe otherwise.
On the other end, let's say you don't like your new stepparent. When they move in, you expect your parent to keep being loyal to you, and take your side over the new person's. By doing this, though, you're actually doing to your parents what they've done to you in the divorce - making them choose sides. This is wrong no matter who's involved. It's a horribly stressful place for your parent to be, and it's not going to end well for you. Your parent should never be made to choose between you and their new spouse.
Fixing the Problems
Here are some tips for getting along better with your stepparent.
1. Speak up...to a point
If something's bothering you, it does you little good to keep it bottled up, so tell your parent/stepparent what's up. Maybe you're not comfortable with your stepfather setting rules, and you'd prefer that your mom make them. Ask for a family meeting and talk about what's bothering you. Then suggest a way to fix it. They might change things, or they might not. But if you never say anything, they won't even know there's a problem to fix.
There's another end of this, though. You've probably heard the "You should be nice to your stepparent" lecture a million times now (which odds are just succeeds in annoying you, instead of convincing you to change). But there's something in it for you, too. If you oppose everything your stepparent does, or push really hard for them to break up, your parent probably isn't going to listen to you when you have a problem with your stepparent. Choose your battles carefully. Your stepparent is there to stay, whether you like it or not - fighting that is a losing battle. Fight the battles you can win, and you'll find a lot more success. My advice, then is the same advice you've already heard: be nice to your stepparent. Even if it's as though your step has jumped straight out of Cinderella into your own life, being nice to them is still a good strategic decision that will help you survive in the long run.
2. Start fresh
Whatever your problems have been with your stepparent, it's never too late to fix things. I think it's safe to say that everyone wants to be happy, and it's hard to do that if you and your stepparent are fighting. If things have been really rough in your house, try talking to your parent/step-parent. You might say, for example, that you don't like the way that things have been and you want to start over. Apologize if you need to. And then start fresh, really and truly. You may well find that your life gets a lot easier after this one conversation.
3. Make sure your expectations are reasonable
Sometimes problems can be caused when your expectations for your stepparent don't match up with the real person. For example, if you expect life with your stepparent to be the same as life before them, you'll be sorely disappointed. Like it or not, there's a new person living in your house - things will change. If you're looking for a second parent, or someone who will not interact with you at all, you might be stretching your luck, too. Yes, some stepparents step into the role of a parent, and yes, some stepparents won't interact with you, but for every stepparent who falls into one category, there's one who falls into the other. This has led to problems within my own family. My sister expected my stepdad to fall into one category, and I expected the other. And now neither of us are pleased, because he's somewhere in between - too distant for me and too involved for my sister. By adjusting your expectations to a reasonable level, you can prevent problems. (By the way, this is a problem with parents, too. Check out the Unrealistic Expectations article for more on that front.)
You can't fix everything
Because I realize that not all problems can be fixed on your end of things, I made a page with advice for stepparents to read, too. I am also well aware that abuse, whether physical, sexual, or verbal in nature, is far too common when dealing with stepparents. If you are a victim of abuse, you don't have to stand for it. There are people out there who do care and are willing to help you, even anonymously. Every day, thousands of children and teens in the United States alone are abused, but you don't have to be one of them. If you're being abused, call 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). It's a toll free hotline where you can just talk about what's going on. They're always open, and they won't report you or your situation unless you specifically ask them to help you do so. It's a safe place to turn in a hard time, and is accessible from the United States (or one of its territories) and Canada. If you don't live in those areas and need help finding resources for your area Contact Me and I'd be happy to help you.