Question and Answer
If your parents are divorcing, you probably have a lot of questions about what will happen. These are some common questions that other kids with divorced parents, including myself, wish they'd known the answers to when their parents divorced. I tried to give you a general feel for what life will be like after divorce, because one of the most frightening things about a divorce is not knowing what's going to happen next.
Q: My parents are divorcing - does this mean that I'll have to move?
A: Not necessarily, but it's definitely a possibility. Some kids stay in the same house, but others move anywhere from a new house in the same neighborhood to a few states away. I ended up moving a just a few miles away, but honestly it just depends on your situation. Ask your parents about their plans to know for sure.
Q: How long does it take to get used to a divorced family?
A: This is a complicated question. You may never get used to your parents being divorced, but things do get better. It's a lot to adjust to, living with just one parent at a time, possibly moving, and watching your parents eventually start dating again. This is just something you'll deal with at your own pace. After about six months, though, you'll probably be used to your new routine which definitely helps. Coping with divorce is a process, but you can get through it.
Q: My parents are seeking shared or joint custody of me. What should I expect?
A: It depends on the circumstances. If you're splitting your time equally between both parents and shuttling back and forth between houses, things might be tough for a while. Many kids say that the moving back and forth was the hardest part of the divorce for them to get used to, but don't give up! You can get through this. A common problem kids in this situation report is that their things get lost in limbo. A solution? Try keeping an inventory of what you keep at each house so that nothing gets lost and you can be sure your things will be waiting for you.
Q: I just want to fix it all and make things go back to the way they were. What can I do?
A: The answer is really hard. The biggest thing you can do here is admit that there's nothing you can do. I know I keep saying that, but I don't think I can emphasize it enough because the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. You are not responsible for fixing your family. Don't try to be a hero - the only person you can control here is yourself.
Q: I think my parent is depressed. What should I do?
A: Unfortunately, seeking divorce and the circumstances that make parents decide to divorce are incredibly stressful, and depression is a possibility for both you and your parents. Taking care of yourself is your most important priority here. Encourage your parent to talk to a counselor, but remember that taking care of your parent is a burden you should never have to bear. If you're still having problems with yourself or your family, you may want to consider talking to a friend, a trusted adult, or even a therapist.
Q: One of my parents will be moving really far away after the divorce. How can I stay in touch?
A: Phone calls are a great choice here, especially if you set up a specific time to talk each week, or even each day. Webcams and instant messaging are also great, along with email. If your parent is up to it and you're old enough, social networking websites such as Facebook are good options, too. Time in between visits can be tough, but staying in touch can make it more bearable.
Q: Will I get a stepfamily?
A: It's a definite possibility. Some teens gain a stepparent, if not the entire stepfamily, quickly after divorce, while others never get one. Personally, it's been a few years since the divorce and I have yet to have either of my parents remarry. If you do get a stepparent, though, communication is essential. A new stepparent may feel like a threat to you and your place in the family, but if you are open with them it can ease the transition. A stepparent isn't necessarily a bad thing, and, believe it or not, they're probably having as much trouble getting used to having a new stepchild as you're having getting used to them. Stepparents don't replace your own parents; they're an addition to your family. So talk to both your stepparent and your parent about how you feel, rather having your parent carry messages between the two of you. Remember how bad it feels when you have to do that for your parents? It sucks for your parents, too. Request a family meeting, that way everyone gets to hear how the others feel. It may give you a new perspective on your family, and you can't know until you try.
Q: I haven't talked to anyone about how my parents are divorcing, but it's really hurting me. Who can I talk to?
A: You may want to consider talking to a counselor or a psychologist. Many teens (and adults) are embarrassed to see a counselor, but there is no shame in realizing you need more help and seeing one. I did it myself, and I would do it again. If you're worried about money, remember that many insurance plans cover counseling appointments, so you may get a certain number of visits free or for a lower cost. If you feel too uncomfortable to do this or still feel like you can't afford it, try talking to your school guidance counselor, a teacher you feel comfortable with, or a spiritual leader. They're trained to deal with situations like this and they will be able to help you. Talking to close friends is also a good idea, especially if their own parents are divorced.
A: Not necessarily, but it's definitely a possibility. Some kids stay in the same house, but others move anywhere from a new house in the same neighborhood to a few states away. I ended up moving a just a few miles away, but honestly it just depends on your situation. Ask your parents about their plans to know for sure.
Q: How long does it take to get used to a divorced family?
A: This is a complicated question. You may never get used to your parents being divorced, but things do get better. It's a lot to adjust to, living with just one parent at a time, possibly moving, and watching your parents eventually start dating again. This is just something you'll deal with at your own pace. After about six months, though, you'll probably be used to your new routine which definitely helps. Coping with divorce is a process, but you can get through it.
Q: My parents are seeking shared or joint custody of me. What should I expect?
A: It depends on the circumstances. If you're splitting your time equally between both parents and shuttling back and forth between houses, things might be tough for a while. Many kids say that the moving back and forth was the hardest part of the divorce for them to get used to, but don't give up! You can get through this. A common problem kids in this situation report is that their things get lost in limbo. A solution? Try keeping an inventory of what you keep at each house so that nothing gets lost and you can be sure your things will be waiting for you.
Q: I just want to fix it all and make things go back to the way they were. What can I do?
A: The answer is really hard. The biggest thing you can do here is admit that there's nothing you can do. I know I keep saying that, but I don't think I can emphasize it enough because the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. You are not responsible for fixing your family. Don't try to be a hero - the only person you can control here is yourself.
Q: I think my parent is depressed. What should I do?
A: Unfortunately, seeking divorce and the circumstances that make parents decide to divorce are incredibly stressful, and depression is a possibility for both you and your parents. Taking care of yourself is your most important priority here. Encourage your parent to talk to a counselor, but remember that taking care of your parent is a burden you should never have to bear. If you're still having problems with yourself or your family, you may want to consider talking to a friend, a trusted adult, or even a therapist.
Q: One of my parents will be moving really far away after the divorce. How can I stay in touch?
A: Phone calls are a great choice here, especially if you set up a specific time to talk each week, or even each day. Webcams and instant messaging are also great, along with email. If your parent is up to it and you're old enough, social networking websites such as Facebook are good options, too. Time in between visits can be tough, but staying in touch can make it more bearable.
Q: Will I get a stepfamily?
A: It's a definite possibility. Some teens gain a stepparent, if not the entire stepfamily, quickly after divorce, while others never get one. Personally, it's been a few years since the divorce and I have yet to have either of my parents remarry. If you do get a stepparent, though, communication is essential. A new stepparent may feel like a threat to you and your place in the family, but if you are open with them it can ease the transition. A stepparent isn't necessarily a bad thing, and, believe it or not, they're probably having as much trouble getting used to having a new stepchild as you're having getting used to them. Stepparents don't replace your own parents; they're an addition to your family. So talk to both your stepparent and your parent about how you feel, rather having your parent carry messages between the two of you. Remember how bad it feels when you have to do that for your parents? It sucks for your parents, too. Request a family meeting, that way everyone gets to hear how the others feel. It may give you a new perspective on your family, and you can't know until you try.
Q: I haven't talked to anyone about how my parents are divorcing, but it's really hurting me. Who can I talk to?
A: You may want to consider talking to a counselor or a psychologist. Many teens (and adults) are embarrassed to see a counselor, but there is no shame in realizing you need more help and seeing one. I did it myself, and I would do it again. If you're worried about money, remember that many insurance plans cover counseling appointments, so you may get a certain number of visits free or for a lower cost. If you feel too uncomfortable to do this or still feel like you can't afford it, try talking to your school guidance counselor, a teacher you feel comfortable with, or a spiritual leader. They're trained to deal with situations like this and they will be able to help you. Talking to close friends is also a good idea, especially if their own parents are divorced.
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