Your Rights as a Teen
During a divorce it may seem like you've lost control of your own life and you have no rights. Thankfully, that's not true. There are legal rights that you have even before you turn 18, and there are still more rights that your parents ought to respect as well.
Legal Rights
These are rights that no one can take away from you. They vary by state, but you always have some basic legal rights to things like food, shelter, clothing, medical care, and an education. Make sure to ask about your rights and contribute what you feel while the divorce is still in progress by talking to the judge and your parents. This is a decision that will greatly impact your life, so you should make every effort to try and make your own needs known.
Common Sense Rights
These are the rights which your parents will hopefully respect, but (to my knowledge) there is no legal backing here. All I can provide are guidelines that should smooth your transition into a changed family.
The most important right you have is the right to tell your parents what you do and don't feel comfortable with. They don't know how you're feeling and unless you tell them, they'll never know what to change. Feeling uncomfortable hearing mom talk badly about your dad, or feel stuck in the middle between your parents? Speak up. If you don't feel you can talk about it - maybe you're feeling a little emotional or have too much to say - write an email or an essay to your parent. Feel free to be creative. In my case, I made a PowerPoint Presentation, complete with bullet points, pictures, and animation. Whatever works for you.
Unfortunately, sometimes there are situations where making your needs known just won't work. If that's the case, try to change the topic or find an excuse to leave the room.
There are just some situations that are really stressful for a kid to be in, and for that reason it's important to recognize them. Your parents should never put you in any of these situations, but if they do, here are some suggestions on how to get out of them or even avoid them in the first place.
Situations Your Parents Should Never Put You In
Making you the messenger.
It can be incredibly uncomfortable and stressful taking messages between your parents, and while this typically increases after divorce, you may already be experiencing this. They may have a 'good excuse' for making you the messenger, such as, "It's so much easier this way," or, "Your mom/dad takes it so much better hearing it from you." Not only are they untrue - it's only easier and better for the parent sending the messages, not for you - but they're also nothing but excuses. No matter how good they sound, there are better ways for your parent to handle this. Tell your parent that the situation makes you uncomfortable. After the divorce, you can suggest alternatives.
Forcing you to choose between them.
It's okay to love both parents both during and after a divorce - most kids do. However, sometimes your parents may not understand that. They may be hurting and angry, but you shouldn't have to listen to them speak badly about each other. There are better people for them to talk to about this: their friends, relatives, or even counselors. Under no circumstances should you have to listen to negative talk about the other parent, or be forced to take sides in their arguments and choose between them. Tell your parent that it makes you uncomfortable. If that doesn't work, try and change the topic, or simply leave the room.
Making you a spy.
"Has your mom told you anything about me?" "Is your dad talking to his lawyer?" Unfortunately, these are very real world examples of how parents might use their children to spy for them. That's not right and you shouldn't have to do it. Period. Your parents are adults and if they want to know so badly, they can ask each other. They may argue that the other parent would never tell them the answer, but you know what? That's their problem, not yours. Tell your parents how it makes you feel when they do that, and try to stay out of the situation as much as you can.
Legal Rights
These are rights that no one can take away from you. They vary by state, but you always have some basic legal rights to things like food, shelter, clothing, medical care, and an education. Make sure to ask about your rights and contribute what you feel while the divorce is still in progress by talking to the judge and your parents. This is a decision that will greatly impact your life, so you should make every effort to try and make your own needs known.
Common Sense Rights
These are the rights which your parents will hopefully respect, but (to my knowledge) there is no legal backing here. All I can provide are guidelines that should smooth your transition into a changed family.
The most important right you have is the right to tell your parents what you do and don't feel comfortable with. They don't know how you're feeling and unless you tell them, they'll never know what to change. Feeling uncomfortable hearing mom talk badly about your dad, or feel stuck in the middle between your parents? Speak up. If you don't feel you can talk about it - maybe you're feeling a little emotional or have too much to say - write an email or an essay to your parent. Feel free to be creative. In my case, I made a PowerPoint Presentation, complete with bullet points, pictures, and animation. Whatever works for you.
Unfortunately, sometimes there are situations where making your needs known just won't work. If that's the case, try to change the topic or find an excuse to leave the room.
There are just some situations that are really stressful for a kid to be in, and for that reason it's important to recognize them. Your parents should never put you in any of these situations, but if they do, here are some suggestions on how to get out of them or even avoid them in the first place.
Situations Your Parents Should Never Put You In
Making you the messenger.
It can be incredibly uncomfortable and stressful taking messages between your parents, and while this typically increases after divorce, you may already be experiencing this. They may have a 'good excuse' for making you the messenger, such as, "It's so much easier this way," or, "Your mom/dad takes it so much better hearing it from you." Not only are they untrue - it's only easier and better for the parent sending the messages, not for you - but they're also nothing but excuses. No matter how good they sound, there are better ways for your parent to handle this. Tell your parent that the situation makes you uncomfortable. After the divorce, you can suggest alternatives.
Forcing you to choose between them.
It's okay to love both parents both during and after a divorce - most kids do. However, sometimes your parents may not understand that. They may be hurting and angry, but you shouldn't have to listen to them speak badly about each other. There are better people for them to talk to about this: their friends, relatives, or even counselors. Under no circumstances should you have to listen to negative talk about the other parent, or be forced to take sides in their arguments and choose between them. Tell your parent that it makes you uncomfortable. If that doesn't work, try and change the topic, or simply leave the room.
Making you a spy.
"Has your mom told you anything about me?" "Is your dad talking to his lawyer?" Unfortunately, these are very real world examples of how parents might use their children to spy for them. That's not right and you shouldn't have to do it. Period. Your parents are adults and if they want to know so badly, they can ask each other. They may argue that the other parent would never tell them the answer, but you know what? That's their problem, not yours. Tell your parents how it makes you feel when they do that, and try to stay out of the situation as much as you can.