What You Can Do
As a parent, you're in a unique position over your child's life. What you do and (sometimes more importantly) what you don't do can sculpt our lives in a huge way. So here are some things that we want you to know - things that would make our lives a lot easier if they were taken into consideration.
1. The Golden Rule for Parents: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
You don't like our other parent, and we get that. If you'd liked each other, odds are you wouldn't have gotten divorced. That said, we don't need to hear about it. It's incredibly painful to have a parent put you in the position of having to listen to that sort of talk (for an example, read the comic below). Find a support network for yourself, one that does not include us, that you can talk to freely about your ex. You don't have to pretend to like our other parent if you don't. All we ask is that you not disparage them in our presence.
1. The Golden Rule for Parents: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
You don't like our other parent, and we get that. If you'd liked each other, odds are you wouldn't have gotten divorced. That said, we don't need to hear about it. It's incredibly painful to have a parent put you in the position of having to listen to that sort of talk (for an example, read the comic below). Find a support network for yourself, one that does not include us, that you can talk to freely about your ex. You don't have to pretend to like our other parent if you don't. All we ask is that you not disparage them in our presence.
2. Please, do not use us as bargaining chips.
If your ex is doing something you don't like, that's between the two of you. But, from both a caring about our needs and legal perspective, you can't use that to mess with our visitation. If it's our weekend with Dad, it's our weekend with Dad. If we're with Mom for the holidays, we're with Mom for the holidays. Please, put your anger and hurt aside when it comes to allowing us to see the other parent.
3. Please visit. Do not cancel, and try really hard not to be late.
A dishearteningly large number of children lose in touch with one parent, usually the non-custodial parent, after their parents divorce. Do not let our family become part of that group. Calls and emails are wonderful, but better yet is seeing us in person. You don't have to do anything special - just being together is enough. If you cancel on a visit, especially if you do so frequently, it breaks our hearts. And if you're consistently late, it seems like we aren't important to you. So please, come see us. Do not cancel, and show up on time.
4. Don't tell us we're the only thing getting you through this.
I remember watching a talk show where a celebrity said that his daughter was the only thing getting him through his divorce, and I couldn't help cringing. That is an immense and horrible burden that no child should have to bear. You may think that you're paying your child a compliment, but what it feels like to us is that we're the only thing keeping you going. While it might be true, it's statements like this that encourage our metamorphosis into your guards, messengers, and therapists, even unintentionally, and those roles are far too big for us to handle. Please, don't tell us that.
5. Learn to at least be civil to each other.
You don't have to like each other, or even be particularly nice to each other, but if you can learn to carry your own messages and be in the same room at events (even if it's on opposite ends), it's a huge load off of us.
6. Make it clear the divorce is not our fault.
I once thought this went without saying, but apparently for some families it bears mentioning. No matter what, not matter how angry or depressed you get, do not tell us or even imply that the divorce was our fault. You should be doing the opposite, trying your best to help us realize that it was not our doing (because it wasn't). The guilt that comes with feeling like you caused your parents to break up is something no one should have to bear.
7. Keep us in the loop...but don't go into too much detail.
To a child of divorce, knowledge is power. If you don't tell us something, we'll figure out a warped version of the truth for ourselves. So, no, you don't have to tell us everything. In fact, we really shouldn't know all the details. But having a general idea of what's going on, even if it's censored and carefully worded, is a way to make us feel like we have a role in what's going on and keep us from being blindsided or manipulated if we hear it from another source. I recommend doing this even before the divorce, particularly together. (If you haven't divorced yet, make sure you read How to Break the News, which discusses this issue in more detail.)
8. Please don't interrogate us.
After we visit the other parent, please don't ask us about them. If you want to know if your ex is dating or still with the person who broke up your relationship, please figure out another way of learning. One of our biggest problems post-divorce is loyalty. We should never be put in a position of feeling as though we have to cover for or defend our other parent. And we should never be made to choose between you. It's not right and it's not fair. So, please, don't ask.
Note:
In the writing of this article, along with my own experience I used a really great book called "Divorcing Children: Children's Experience of Their Parents' Divorce" by Ian Butler, et al. I would really recommend that you read it - I found it very insightful. It's a great way to step into your child's shoes.
If your ex is doing something you don't like, that's between the two of you. But, from both a caring about our needs and legal perspective, you can't use that to mess with our visitation. If it's our weekend with Dad, it's our weekend with Dad. If we're with Mom for the holidays, we're with Mom for the holidays. Please, put your anger and hurt aside when it comes to allowing us to see the other parent.
3. Please visit. Do not cancel, and try really hard not to be late.
A dishearteningly large number of children lose in touch with one parent, usually the non-custodial parent, after their parents divorce. Do not let our family become part of that group. Calls and emails are wonderful, but better yet is seeing us in person. You don't have to do anything special - just being together is enough. If you cancel on a visit, especially if you do so frequently, it breaks our hearts. And if you're consistently late, it seems like we aren't important to you. So please, come see us. Do not cancel, and show up on time.
4. Don't tell us we're the only thing getting you through this.
I remember watching a talk show where a celebrity said that his daughter was the only thing getting him through his divorce, and I couldn't help cringing. That is an immense and horrible burden that no child should have to bear. You may think that you're paying your child a compliment, but what it feels like to us is that we're the only thing keeping you going. While it might be true, it's statements like this that encourage our metamorphosis into your guards, messengers, and therapists, even unintentionally, and those roles are far too big for us to handle. Please, don't tell us that.
5. Learn to at least be civil to each other.
You don't have to like each other, or even be particularly nice to each other, but if you can learn to carry your own messages and be in the same room at events (even if it's on opposite ends), it's a huge load off of us.
6. Make it clear the divorce is not our fault.
I once thought this went without saying, but apparently for some families it bears mentioning. No matter what, not matter how angry or depressed you get, do not tell us or even imply that the divorce was our fault. You should be doing the opposite, trying your best to help us realize that it was not our doing (because it wasn't). The guilt that comes with feeling like you caused your parents to break up is something no one should have to bear.
7. Keep us in the loop...but don't go into too much detail.
To a child of divorce, knowledge is power. If you don't tell us something, we'll figure out a warped version of the truth for ourselves. So, no, you don't have to tell us everything. In fact, we really shouldn't know all the details. But having a general idea of what's going on, even if it's censored and carefully worded, is a way to make us feel like we have a role in what's going on and keep us from being blindsided or manipulated if we hear it from another source. I recommend doing this even before the divorce, particularly together. (If you haven't divorced yet, make sure you read How to Break the News, which discusses this issue in more detail.)
8. Please don't interrogate us.
After we visit the other parent, please don't ask us about them. If you want to know if your ex is dating or still with the person who broke up your relationship, please figure out another way of learning. One of our biggest problems post-divorce is loyalty. We should never be put in a position of feeling as though we have to cover for or defend our other parent. And we should never be made to choose between you. It's not right and it's not fair. So, please, don't ask.
Note:
In the writing of this article, along with my own experience I used a really great book called "Divorcing Children: Children's Experience of Their Parents' Divorce" by Ian Butler, et al. I would really recommend that you read it - I found it very insightful. It's a great way to step into your child's shoes.