Understanding Your Parents
After divorce, you probably expect your parents to live separately. What you may not expect, however, is the changes that you will see in them! In my own mother alone since the divorce I have seen her turn from a conservative and dutiful wife, into the head of the family, into a lovestruck teenager, into a woman on an eternal honeymoon with her new husband. Parents, like all of us, have many dimensions to their personalities, and with a big change like divorce sides of them that you'd never imagined existed are likely to emerge. These changes aren't always easy to navigate, but they can be made easier if you are prepared for them. Here are some likely changes that I've observed over the years in other divorced parents, including my own.
Change #1: The Lovestruck Teenager
Beware - your position as the teenager in the family might soon be taken from you by your own mother or father! It's common for parents to start dating after the divorce, and falling heads over heels in love. They will likely spend more time away from home (it's hard to date without leaving the house!) and no matter how embarrassed you may or may not feel about it, they will almost definitely smooch and flirt with their significant other in front of you.
My advice is to accept that this isn't something that you can change. Your parent is a human who is looking for love, just like the rest of us, and that's something they're allowed to do. That said, you can address this on the individual issue level. For example, if you think your mom or dad is away from home too much, try and set up a day or a night that is just reserved for the two of you.
Change #2: The Post-Divorce Depression
Post-divorce depression is a serious problem, both for you and for your parents. Parents once positive and full of life may become listless and negative. What's important to remember here is that this is not your fault and has nothing to do with you. Encourage your parent to seek counseling (which is covered under many insurance plans) and find a support group. A great, free support group for dealing with life after divorce (for the divorcing party) can be found online here: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Life-After-Divorce/support-group. They also have another one for Children of Divorced Parents. Dealing with a parent's depression on top of the divorce can be hard on you, too - for the best outcome, both of you should seek help. Depression during a mid-life crisis (which is likely to be at least partly at the root of this change) is common. Read more here about the changes that are normal - and when you should be concerned.
Change #3: The Rebel
After a divorce, previously traditional, conservative parents may reveal other sides to them. All of a sudden, they may be listening to hip-hop instead of Bach, riding a motorcycle instead of a car, and getting their first tattoo. I use these examples because they describe my own mother. It can be a little disconcerting to see your parent doing all the things that you, the teenager, are accustomed being attributed to your age group. This experience can be surprising, either exciting or embarrassing for you as their child. Either way, try to be supportive and refrain from too much criticism. This is your mom or dad's time to rediscover who they are as their own person, separate from their previously defined role as a husband or wife. Believe it or not, post-divorce life is as difficult of a time for them as it is for you, and they may need to do some soul searching to find who they really are.
Change #4: The Family Man/Woman
Not all changes are bad. Probably the most welcome change I observed in my mom after the divorce was that she suddenly started making us do more things as a family. She started cooking dinner for us and made us eat together as a family. Her goal was to help us stay together during the difficult period after divorce. I realize that this may be the norm for other families, but it wasn't for mine, so the change was surprising, but very nice.
Change #5: The Mid-Life Crisis
At the root of the previous four changes you're seeing in your parents may be a mid-life crisis. Despite the fact that the word crisis makes it sound like a bad thing, a mid-life crisis can have both good or bad long term effects. The word I associate most with mid-life crisis is simply 'change.' Because that's what your parent's going to be doing for a while - changing. It can be uncomfortable for you as their child, but it doesn't have to be. My advice, from experience, would be to be flexible with their changes and supportive of them. The changes I listed and more are normal and to be expected. Read more about mid-life crises here.
Change #1: The Lovestruck Teenager
Beware - your position as the teenager in the family might soon be taken from you by your own mother or father! It's common for parents to start dating after the divorce, and falling heads over heels in love. They will likely spend more time away from home (it's hard to date without leaving the house!) and no matter how embarrassed you may or may not feel about it, they will almost definitely smooch and flirt with their significant other in front of you.
My advice is to accept that this isn't something that you can change. Your parent is a human who is looking for love, just like the rest of us, and that's something they're allowed to do. That said, you can address this on the individual issue level. For example, if you think your mom or dad is away from home too much, try and set up a day or a night that is just reserved for the two of you.
Change #2: The Post-Divorce Depression
Post-divorce depression is a serious problem, both for you and for your parents. Parents once positive and full of life may become listless and negative. What's important to remember here is that this is not your fault and has nothing to do with you. Encourage your parent to seek counseling (which is covered under many insurance plans) and find a support group. A great, free support group for dealing with life after divorce (for the divorcing party) can be found online here: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Life-After-Divorce/support-group. They also have another one for Children of Divorced Parents. Dealing with a parent's depression on top of the divorce can be hard on you, too - for the best outcome, both of you should seek help. Depression during a mid-life crisis (which is likely to be at least partly at the root of this change) is common. Read more here about the changes that are normal - and when you should be concerned.
Change #3: The Rebel
After a divorce, previously traditional, conservative parents may reveal other sides to them. All of a sudden, they may be listening to hip-hop instead of Bach, riding a motorcycle instead of a car, and getting their first tattoo. I use these examples because they describe my own mother. It can be a little disconcerting to see your parent doing all the things that you, the teenager, are accustomed being attributed to your age group. This experience can be surprising, either exciting or embarrassing for you as their child. Either way, try to be supportive and refrain from too much criticism. This is your mom or dad's time to rediscover who they are as their own person, separate from their previously defined role as a husband or wife. Believe it or not, post-divorce life is as difficult of a time for them as it is for you, and they may need to do some soul searching to find who they really are.
Change #4: The Family Man/Woman
Not all changes are bad. Probably the most welcome change I observed in my mom after the divorce was that she suddenly started making us do more things as a family. She started cooking dinner for us and made us eat together as a family. Her goal was to help us stay together during the difficult period after divorce. I realize that this may be the norm for other families, but it wasn't for mine, so the change was surprising, but very nice.
Change #5: The Mid-Life Crisis
At the root of the previous four changes you're seeing in your parents may be a mid-life crisis. Despite the fact that the word crisis makes it sound like a bad thing, a mid-life crisis can have both good or bad long term effects. The word I associate most with mid-life crisis is simply 'change.' Because that's what your parent's going to be doing for a while - changing. It can be uncomfortable for you as their child, but it doesn't have to be. My advice, from experience, would be to be flexible with their changes and supportive of them. The changes I listed and more are normal and to be expected. Read more about mid-life crises here.