How To Break the News to Your Child
For those of you looking to read up on the subject before you divorce, you have an opportunity now to shape the way that this divorce is going to affect your child. Believe it or not, how you break the news to us can change the way that we view the divorce and can set a precedent for the rest of it. I'll start off by telling you how I was told (what not to do) and then go into what you should do.
I actually was told about the divorce twice. The first time, my mom was driving me to violin practice. Before we got there, she pulled over and broke the news to me out of the blue. I guess she hadn't expected my reaction to be so huge, and how could she? I couldn't have even expected to have such a big reaction myself. It's not like I didn't know it was coming; the writing was on the wall. My dad had been telling me what had been going on in the family in bits and pieces over the last year, and the future of my family looked bleak. That didn't keep me from breaking down, though. My mom had to cancel the lesson, and then we just drove to a parking lot where I sobbed and tried to get it under control for at least a half an hour. All I remember asking her was if dad would still take me to school every morning. I'm sure it broke her heart.
My dad must have talked my mom out of it, though, because the divorce didn't happen, not yet. My dad told me that he wouldn't let the family divorce, and I asked him to at least hold out until I graduated (also known as the bargaining stage of grief), but about six months later, I found out my parents were divorcing again. This time, no one told me. I just came home from school and found a message from my mom's divorce attorney on the answering machine. I guess by that point I was pretty numb because I accepted it, no tears. The way my sister found out was even worse; to keep it a secret from my dad, my mom had to sneak out and go to the lawyer's office...taking my little sister with her.
Both times, the situation was handled very poorly. I think it's easy to tell what went wrong the second time, but what about the first? First of all, I only ever heard about the divorce from my mom. Granted, the second time she was trying to keep it a secret from my dad, but you can't keep something like that a secret, not long. So put aside your differences, sit down, and have a family meeting. Both parents should, if possible, be involved in breaking the news to the kids. For a space of ten minutes, all blaming and anger should be put on hold.
So what do you say in a time like this? First, apologize, and then tell them, kindly, that you're getting divorced. You don't have to tell them the whole reason why (in fact, in many cases it might be better not to), but you should tell them a simplified version - enough to keep them from getting confused. Your reason should make it clear that it's not the child's fault: you fell out of love with each other, you didn't agree about money, mom or dad is working through a lot of their own problems, one of you fell in love with another person, etc. That last one, of course, should only be mentioned if it's told by the parent who did so, although it is to that parent's benefit to do so. Secrets rarely stay that way, and if your child doesn't find out from you they'll eventually find out from someone else, and that someone is likely to tell a less than flattering version of events. Better for them to learn it from you than from someone else, for everyone involved. Your child is going to find out anyway - whether from an overheard phone call, a ranting relative, or through simple logic - and it's better to hear it from your mouth. The half-truths that we figure out are generally far worse than what you actually did.
Make sure you tell your kids it's okay if they want to talk to others about what happened. My parents didn't know to say this, and as a result I spent years without talking about the divorce because I thought (wrongly) that they wouldn't want me to say anything about the details. In addition, my parents sent an email to my teachers warning them about the divorce, just in case I acted differently in class or my grades dropped suddenly. To this day, I'm not sure if it was a good idea, but it's definitely something to consider for your family.
Finally, reassure your kids that you both still care about them. Tell them (if you can truly promise this) that they'll still be able to see both of you. And then, if they haven't broken down by then like I did, tell them what happens in a divorce. Our ideas of divorce come from television, a la Jerry Springer, and other various unreliable sources. Having a better idea of the proceedings and what's coming next can help us understand what's going on and feel a little less out of control. Below, I've actually put together a handbook for you to use explaining divorce for older kids and teens. It's only ten pages long, and my hope is that you can print it out and give it to your child(ren) during or after the talk. It explains how the process of divorce works, gives general advice, answers common questions, and gives an example (my own) of life after divorce. The scariest thing when you find out your parents are divorcing is not knowing what happens next, and this handbook attempts to address that and prevent misunderstandings (such as the child thinking they caused the divorce, etc) from occurring. I recommend that you read it yourself before the meeting, particularly the Q&A section, so that you can prepare your own family's answers to those questions. Feel free to read through it together with your child, if they're up to it, so that they can ask you any questions that occur to them. The document is embedded so you can preview it, or you can simply click here and download it right away to print. If you're having trouble, Contact Me and I'll email it to you directly.
Just by reading this article, hopefully I've helped prepare you somewhat for what is to come. Telling your children that you're getting divorced is a difficult, painful task. It's far easier just to never tell them or get it over quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. You, as a parent, have the unenviable task of doing what's right, rather than what's easy. I hope the knowledge that what you are doing is for your child's benefit can help you stick to the path.
Good luck.
I actually was told about the divorce twice. The first time, my mom was driving me to violin practice. Before we got there, she pulled over and broke the news to me out of the blue. I guess she hadn't expected my reaction to be so huge, and how could she? I couldn't have even expected to have such a big reaction myself. It's not like I didn't know it was coming; the writing was on the wall. My dad had been telling me what had been going on in the family in bits and pieces over the last year, and the future of my family looked bleak. That didn't keep me from breaking down, though. My mom had to cancel the lesson, and then we just drove to a parking lot where I sobbed and tried to get it under control for at least a half an hour. All I remember asking her was if dad would still take me to school every morning. I'm sure it broke her heart.
My dad must have talked my mom out of it, though, because the divorce didn't happen, not yet. My dad told me that he wouldn't let the family divorce, and I asked him to at least hold out until I graduated (also known as the bargaining stage of grief), but about six months later, I found out my parents were divorcing again. This time, no one told me. I just came home from school and found a message from my mom's divorce attorney on the answering machine. I guess by that point I was pretty numb because I accepted it, no tears. The way my sister found out was even worse; to keep it a secret from my dad, my mom had to sneak out and go to the lawyer's office...taking my little sister with her.
Both times, the situation was handled very poorly. I think it's easy to tell what went wrong the second time, but what about the first? First of all, I only ever heard about the divorce from my mom. Granted, the second time she was trying to keep it a secret from my dad, but you can't keep something like that a secret, not long. So put aside your differences, sit down, and have a family meeting. Both parents should, if possible, be involved in breaking the news to the kids. For a space of ten minutes, all blaming and anger should be put on hold.
So what do you say in a time like this? First, apologize, and then tell them, kindly, that you're getting divorced. You don't have to tell them the whole reason why (in fact, in many cases it might be better not to), but you should tell them a simplified version - enough to keep them from getting confused. Your reason should make it clear that it's not the child's fault: you fell out of love with each other, you didn't agree about money, mom or dad is working through a lot of their own problems, one of you fell in love with another person, etc. That last one, of course, should only be mentioned if it's told by the parent who did so, although it is to that parent's benefit to do so. Secrets rarely stay that way, and if your child doesn't find out from you they'll eventually find out from someone else, and that someone is likely to tell a less than flattering version of events. Better for them to learn it from you than from someone else, for everyone involved. Your child is going to find out anyway - whether from an overheard phone call, a ranting relative, or through simple logic - and it's better to hear it from your mouth. The half-truths that we figure out are generally far worse than what you actually did.
Make sure you tell your kids it's okay if they want to talk to others about what happened. My parents didn't know to say this, and as a result I spent years without talking about the divorce because I thought (wrongly) that they wouldn't want me to say anything about the details. In addition, my parents sent an email to my teachers warning them about the divorce, just in case I acted differently in class or my grades dropped suddenly. To this day, I'm not sure if it was a good idea, but it's definitely something to consider for your family.
Finally, reassure your kids that you both still care about them. Tell them (if you can truly promise this) that they'll still be able to see both of you. And then, if they haven't broken down by then like I did, tell them what happens in a divorce. Our ideas of divorce come from television, a la Jerry Springer, and other various unreliable sources. Having a better idea of the proceedings and what's coming next can help us understand what's going on and feel a little less out of control. Below, I've actually put together a handbook for you to use explaining divorce for older kids and teens. It's only ten pages long, and my hope is that you can print it out and give it to your child(ren) during or after the talk. It explains how the process of divorce works, gives general advice, answers common questions, and gives an example (my own) of life after divorce. The scariest thing when you find out your parents are divorcing is not knowing what happens next, and this handbook attempts to address that and prevent misunderstandings (such as the child thinking they caused the divorce, etc) from occurring. I recommend that you read it yourself before the meeting, particularly the Q&A section, so that you can prepare your own family's answers to those questions. Feel free to read through it together with your child, if they're up to it, so that they can ask you any questions that occur to them. The document is embedded so you can preview it, or you can simply click here and download it right away to print. If you're having trouble, Contact Me and I'll email it to you directly.
Just by reading this article, hopefully I've helped prepare you somewhat for what is to come. Telling your children that you're getting divorced is a difficult, painful task. It's far easier just to never tell them or get it over quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. You, as a parent, have the unenviable task of doing what's right, rather than what's easy. I hope the knowledge that what you are doing is for your child's benefit can help you stick to the path.
Good luck.
divorce_handbook.pdf | |
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Author's Note:
In the writing of this article, I used a really great book called "Divorcing Children: Children's Experience of Their Parents' Divorce" by Ian Butler, et al. I would really recommend that you read it - I found it very insightful. It's a great way to step into your child's shoes.
In the writing of this article, I used a really great book called "Divorcing Children: Children's Experience of Their Parents' Divorce" by Ian Butler, et al. I would really recommend that you read it - I found it very insightful. It's a great way to step into your child's shoes.