Growing Pains
I'm going to be completely honest here: my stepdad and I didn't always get along. In fact, we clashed decently often at first (I didn't always know we were clashing, though, which we'll cover more later). A little more than four years after he first came into our lives, I'm FINALLY figuring out the reasons for our initial clashes. I'm going to share them here, because these 'growing pains' as I've deemed them, are pretty universal and I think both teens with stepparents and stepparents themselves can learn from my family's experiences.
1. We have different values
This is probably the most crucial point I can emphasize in this whole article. My stepdad and I came from completely different value systems and didn't realize it, and that was the biggest problem. For me, I was confused much of the time when he was disappointed with me. I did everything I'd been taught to do to be considered a good child, and I was at a loss for the reason I kept getting in trouble. The trick here, of course, is that I did everything I'd been taught to do according to a different set of values than my stepfather's. In his family, they valued obedience, working to earn your keep, and cleanliness. I had been taught to value academic success above all else. Far from obedience, I'd learned to negotiate terms of agreement with my parents, which were accepted so long as the argument was well-reasoned. So if my mom told me to do something, I could negotiate with her explaining my reasons for not doing it or reasons for an alternative plan, and so long as I had a convincing argument the two of us compromised. You can imagine how well that went over with my stepdad.
Another value that was different between our two households was cleanliness. While mom adjusted quickly to the new ways, because that's how she was raised, I was definitely not raised to value cleanliness. Growing up, my only chore was sweeping, which I enjoyed, and even that didn't have to be done on a regular basis. Bathrooms and bedrooms could basically get as messy as my sister and I wanted, until they hit a peak point of messiness at which point cleaning was finally enforced. In this new household, that was definitely no longer the case. Dishes were to be washed immediately after use, glasses could not be left lying around, bathrooms were to be cleaned every weekend, and *gasp!* bedrooms were to be clean, too.
None of this was actually stated, though. I found out by trial and error (more like a lot of errors), getting chided by my mom for things that had been okay before. I don't know if there's a better way to handle that (I probably wouldn't have reacted well to my stepdad coming in with a whole long list of new rules), but the one thing I do think could have been done better was understanding. My mom would turn to me and say "Look at this mess!" where I legitimately didn't see one or roll her eyes at my excuse for having only cleaned my dishes instead of the whole family's (to save on hot water). I honestly didn't see the problems she and my stepdad did, because that's not the way I was raised. A bedroom that could be walked in, in my eyes, was clean, even if there was only a small path to the bed not littered with debris. Cleaning my dishes immediately, instead of everyone's, was just what I had to do to so I wouldn't get in trouble (and I really didn't even see the point of doing that much - under the original system I would have been able to wait until they built up a lot), and I did what was required of me, not realizing that I should be helping the rest of the familiy, too, as they helped me.
My mother despaired at me, telling me she took these things as signs that I didn't care about her or our family. But it had nothing to do with whether or not I care about her and my stepdad (while mom delivered the rules, they were definitely his rules). I legitimately did not see the problem, no matter how intuitive and obvious it seemed to my mom and stepdad. I was still operating under the system of our previous family grouping and didn't realize that this new grouping had different values - and even if I had, I would have thought I was meeting them, not realizing there was also a new standard for cleanliness.
But while that period of adjustment has been difficult for me, I now realize it has to have been incredibly confusing for my stepdad. Having raised seven children in his previous marriage, he probably thought he understood what children were like. So getting the giant curveball of kids who followed a different value system (and like me, I don't think he realized our value system was different at first) was hard to adjust to. Under his value system, I was a giant contradiction. I seemed rebellious for arguing/negotiating with my parents over things that in his family would have simply been mandated by virtue of parenthood. Yet at the same time, I was sending off contradictory signals of a child who wasn't rebellious - I didn't need a curfew because I was always home, didn't drink, didn't curse, was responsible, and cared for and wanted to please my parents. I seemed lazy under his value system because I balked at doing ordinary household chores and keeping things clean ("We never needed to do that before!"). Yet at the same time, I'd graduated from high school with a 4.1 GPA and went on to graduate from college summa cum laude (had some of the top grades in my graduating class) - not things that can be accomplished with laziness. In short, I was a very confusing child.
Of course, now we know the reason I was so confusing - I was following a different value system. I did all the things required to be a 'good child' under the previous system, which sometimes overlapped with those of his family. But those things that were not valued in my previous household I didn't do, like obeying a parent no matter what (even if they say something illogical or have a huge flaw in their argument) or cleaning, which would ordinarily make me seem like a bad child, except I was still doing some things that were good under his values system. In short, I didn't compute.
The point here is, whether you're a stepparent coming into a new family or a teen getting a new stepparent, know that the transition may not always be smooth as different values systems work to align with each other. My stepdad, thankfully, held his tongue with me over the years and let me figure out and adjust to the new household value system over time. I did the same thing, not arguing (after, that is, I figured out negotiating is not in his values system), just trying to figure out this new system and adapt to it (because I've realized over time that his value system is probably more similar to those of most families). If you're in either one of our positions, try to do the same thing - be patient and look for differences in value systems. Once you're aware of it, it's far easier to be understanding of where your stepparent or stepchild is coming from and be more accommodating as a result.
Another value that was different between our two households was cleanliness. While mom adjusted quickly to the new ways, because that's how she was raised, I was definitely not raised to value cleanliness. Growing up, my only chore was sweeping, which I enjoyed, and even that didn't have to be done on a regular basis. Bathrooms and bedrooms could basically get as messy as my sister and I wanted, until they hit a peak point of messiness at which point cleaning was finally enforced. In this new household, that was definitely no longer the case. Dishes were to be washed immediately after use, glasses could not be left lying around, bathrooms were to be cleaned every weekend, and *gasp!* bedrooms were to be clean, too.
None of this was actually stated, though. I found out by trial and error (more like a lot of errors), getting chided by my mom for things that had been okay before. I don't know if there's a better way to handle that (I probably wouldn't have reacted well to my stepdad coming in with a whole long list of new rules), but the one thing I do think could have been done better was understanding. My mom would turn to me and say "Look at this mess!" where I legitimately didn't see one or roll her eyes at my excuse for having only cleaned my dishes instead of the whole family's (to save on hot water). I honestly didn't see the problems she and my stepdad did, because that's not the way I was raised. A bedroom that could be walked in, in my eyes, was clean, even if there was only a small path to the bed not littered with debris. Cleaning my dishes immediately, instead of everyone's, was just what I had to do to so I wouldn't get in trouble (and I really didn't even see the point of doing that much - under the original system I would have been able to wait until they built up a lot), and I did what was required of me, not realizing that I should be helping the rest of the familiy, too, as they helped me.
My mother despaired at me, telling me she took these things as signs that I didn't care about her or our family. But it had nothing to do with whether or not I care about her and my stepdad (while mom delivered the rules, they were definitely his rules). I legitimately did not see the problem, no matter how intuitive and obvious it seemed to my mom and stepdad. I was still operating under the system of our previous family grouping and didn't realize that this new grouping had different values - and even if I had, I would have thought I was meeting them, not realizing there was also a new standard for cleanliness.
But while that period of adjustment has been difficult for me, I now realize it has to have been incredibly confusing for my stepdad. Having raised seven children in his previous marriage, he probably thought he understood what children were like. So getting the giant curveball of kids who followed a different value system (and like me, I don't think he realized our value system was different at first) was hard to adjust to. Under his value system, I was a giant contradiction. I seemed rebellious for arguing/negotiating with my parents over things that in his family would have simply been mandated by virtue of parenthood. Yet at the same time, I was sending off contradictory signals of a child who wasn't rebellious - I didn't need a curfew because I was always home, didn't drink, didn't curse, was responsible, and cared for and wanted to please my parents. I seemed lazy under his value system because I balked at doing ordinary household chores and keeping things clean ("We never needed to do that before!"). Yet at the same time, I'd graduated from high school with a 4.1 GPA and went on to graduate from college summa cum laude (had some of the top grades in my graduating class) - not things that can be accomplished with laziness. In short, I was a very confusing child.
Of course, now we know the reason I was so confusing - I was following a different value system. I did all the things required to be a 'good child' under the previous system, which sometimes overlapped with those of his family. But those things that were not valued in my previous household I didn't do, like obeying a parent no matter what (even if they say something illogical or have a huge flaw in their argument) or cleaning, which would ordinarily make me seem like a bad child, except I was still doing some things that were good under his values system. In short, I didn't compute.
The point here is, whether you're a stepparent coming into a new family or a teen getting a new stepparent, know that the transition may not always be smooth as different values systems work to align with each other. My stepdad, thankfully, held his tongue with me over the years and let me figure out and adjust to the new household value system over time. I did the same thing, not arguing (after, that is, I figured out negotiating is not in his values system), just trying to figure out this new system and adapt to it (because I've realized over time that his value system is probably more similar to those of most families). If you're in either one of our positions, try to do the same thing - be patient and look for differences in value systems. Once you're aware of it, it's far easier to be understanding of where your stepparent or stepchild is coming from and be more accommodating as a result.
2. Different Ways of Expressing Emotions
My stepdad gets quiet when he's angry, and he'll just leave the room. I had never met anyone like that before (when my mom's upset, she definitely lets you know), so initially, and we're talking years here, I had no idea that he was ever upset with me. This might seem like a nice thing, but instead it was really confusing. Since he does get quiet (and this was never told to me), I thought whatever I'd done to upset him was fine and continued to do it. For his part, I'm sure he thought I was trying to be rebellious when I continued, but until my mom stepped in as an interpreter for whatever issue had arisen (and this, by the way, I'd liken it as akin to using your child as a messenger during divorce; it's very stressful and painful for the messenger to be in the middle) I hadn't the faintest idea that I'd done something to displease. This really hurt our relationship, though, and had I been able to read the signs I'd have known how to fix the things I was doing to make him happier.
When a new member joins a family, their way of doing things, including expressing emotions, may be different from what you're used to. Be aware of this possibility and try to adjust to it.
If you're a person who expresses yourself this way (and I have met several now, so I know that while they're not the majority, there are plenty of them), realize your stepchild/stepparent may have no idea that you're upset with them. Instead of using a messenger, maybe say something as you're leaving the room or later on after you've cooled down along the lines of "I'm upset" or "I'm disappointed". If you feel up to it, follow it up with an explanation of why, eg "I'm disappointed there were dirty dishes in the sink." You don't have to say it loudly or anything (in fact, you shouldn't say it loudly), and you don't have to say it right away or add much detail, but at some point it should be said or you can't hold the other person accountable for not having understood that they did something you didn't like.
When a new member joins a family, their way of doing things, including expressing emotions, may be different from what you're used to. Be aware of this possibility and try to adjust to it.
If you're a person who expresses yourself this way (and I have met several now, so I know that while they're not the majority, there are plenty of them), realize your stepchild/stepparent may have no idea that you're upset with them. Instead of using a messenger, maybe say something as you're leaving the room or later on after you've cooled down along the lines of "I'm upset" or "I'm disappointed". If you feel up to it, follow it up with an explanation of why, eg "I'm disappointed there were dirty dishes in the sink." You don't have to say it loudly or anything (in fact, you shouldn't say it loudly), and you don't have to say it right away or add much detail, but at some point it should be said or you can't hold the other person accountable for not having understood that they did something you didn't like.